[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
You Might Also Like
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.