Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!