My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Lmao
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
everyone has that one prude friend
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back