Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
LOL!
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped