One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
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It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My Plans 2020
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
584.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*