The French word for sex is croissant.
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Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
what does he know…
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*