When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat