My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
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*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
The devil.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net