My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My background check bounced.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”