Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.