poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
You sure about that?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.