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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*