You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
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Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol