No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner