There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I feel it
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.