[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
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Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
no refunds
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
🙋♀️
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)