Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
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WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
He’s cranky this morning
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
The French word for sex is croissant.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.