That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Same pineapple, same
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
good work, everybody
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.