Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
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Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.