it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
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the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.