I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.