Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Mornin
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL