they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
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I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Finally!
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.