If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie