When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
i made a craigslist ad !
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.