The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
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the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don鈥檛 want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I鈥檒l be wearing them out
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I鈥檒l get a new one so my kid doesn鈥檛 notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
This is a sub tweet
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW