I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
adam and eve had first world problems
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
A completely valid reaction tbh
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would