Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.