My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
What if all the cashiers are married?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
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