It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please