I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?