You Might Also Like
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much