Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
A fake ID that makes you younger
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?