Roadkill is just a goth zoo
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Fights fire with marshmallows
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”