People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
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[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*