i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie