[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Cats (2019)
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.