I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My time has come.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw