A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: