My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.