The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
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I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Warm pools make me nervous.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?