Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
How high do the levels go?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really