Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
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When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit