I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.