If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
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#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.