Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: π πΎπ π·π΄π°π π³ π·πΈπΌ.
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSEβS MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline π€·ββοΈ
me: Iβm sorry, itβs over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
In relationships, itβs important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Me: Iβll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, heβd file a restraining order against me.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I forgot the term βkidney stonesβ so I called them pee pebbles.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Every time my kid says βDad, remember whenβ¦β in front of his friends I know Iβm about to hear the craziest lie and Iβm all in on it
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Dating sites don’t work for everyone π
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
gentlemen, hear me out
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sΔ±Ι₯Κ ΚΙ pΙq Ι―Ι I ou Ι₯o
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything youβve done to your body over the last 40 years.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
βI donβt have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,β I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
My Uber driver just told me that heβs been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ERβs and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
When Iβm drafting a legal document, Iβll sprinkle the word βhereinβ all over that shit like itβs paprika.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] Itβs called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?