Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”