not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
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I know a bad idea when I see one.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are