Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
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Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*