I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
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Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Siri, fight Alexa.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”